Sibling rivalry occurs when there’s jealousy, competition, and fighting between brothers and sisters. In practice, you see it in the form of name-calling, merciless teasing or bullying, bickering, hitting each other, resentfulness, and constant complaints of unfairness.
When you have more than one child in your house, it’s normal to feel like a firefighter constantly having to douse fires and prevent flares from erupting. Sibling conflict and rivalry are a normal part of growing up and common across households. But that doesn’t make dealing with them any less stressful for parents.
Knowing when to let your children manage disputes by themselves and when to step in is key to minimizing conflicts. This sounds a lot easier in theory. But, there are several practical steps you can take that will help to develop healthy sibling relationships from early on. Such will help to prevent ongoing and deep-rooted resentments that can weaken their relationships in the later years of their lives.
8 Steps That Can Help You Better Manage Sibling Conflict and Rivalry
1.Set up an environment of cooperation. Children often learn by imitation. If the parents aren’t getting along and their fights are accompanied by screaming matches, slammed doors, or silent treatment, it’s hard to expect the children to do any better.
Set a good example for your children to follow. Develop better ways to communicate with each other that are thoughtful, sensitive to each others’ needs, cooperative, and most of all, respectful.
2.Don’t play favorites or make comparisons. Each child has their own unique strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate their individuality without making them feel like they are being constantly pitted against each other. Avoid making statements like, “Your sister always makes an effort to study and brings home good grades. Why can’t you?”.
3. Set up rules for good behavior. Help your children understand what you consider good or bad behavior and set up consequences or restrict privileges when children engage in the wrong behaviors.
An example of bad behavior that children can often relate to is name-calling, which is an act of belittling another person. Instead, encourage, reinforce, and praise good behavior such as talking to each other calmly and trying to resolve their differences with mutual respect.
4. Recognize the difference between fairness and equality. Being fair and being equal are not necessarily the same things when it comes to sibling conflict and rivalry. Older children may have a different set of privileges that younger children can be resentful of.
Aim to be fair in your decisions and spend time with your children to explain why decisions have been made in a certain way. If children can see the reasoning behind the decisions, they are often more willing to adapt.
5. Acknowledge individual needs. Spend time with each child one-on-one, even if it’s for 10 minutes each day. It makes a huge difference to your child when they know that you care enough to do this. Use this time to listen, be empathetic, and find out how they’re getting along with their siblings. Show each child that they're special to you in their own unique way. Promote an atmosphere of cooperation and harmony.
6.Give children problem-solving tools. It's one thing to tell children not to yell at each other, and another when they know how to defuse and resolve sibling conflict and rivalry. Teach children how to calmly explain their feelings and their side of the story through empathetic listening and negotiating outcomes in a way that both parties end up satisfied.
7. Set up regular family meetings. This is a great way to not only show children how to work together in teams but also to give them a fair chance to take part in making decisions that affect them. It’s important to encourage listening during these meetings and to use the time for constructive conversations that generate practical solutions.
8. Get professional help. At times, even your best efforts may not work to resolve sibling conflict. It’s perfectly okay to have situations where things feel like they’re getting out of hand, requiring extra help or support. It may be time to call in the professionals if:
- The sibling rivalry is so severe that it’s causing problems in the marriage.
- There could be a very real threat of imminent physical danger.
- The conflicts are affecting the mental health and self-esteem of individual family members.
- The sibling rivalry may be linked to other negative psychological concerns such as depression.
The Takeaway
It’s normal for children to get along one moment and despise each other the next. Use these strategies to minimize sibling rivalry and take back control when things feel like they’re getting out of hand. Remember to get professional help if you need neutral, non-judgmental, and experienced support that can help steer you and your children in the right direction.
