This is the first in a two-part series exploring the psychological and evolutionary reasons for why small pains and annoyances can bother us so much. Part two is about “ouchies,” small physical discomforts like hangnails, paper cuts, or mouth sores.
Oct. 8, 2024 -- If there’s one thing that really drives Robin Kowalski nuts, it’s this: when her family members don’t replace the toilet paper.
Kowalski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Clemson University, said the pet peeve isn’t just some “reaction of hypersensitive disgust.” After all, TP is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, so why would something so minor feel so major?
Our pet peeves start small but can grow into something more, as is the case with any other negligible annoyance.
Your list may sound like mine: I can’t stand loud chewing; my wife hates it when my fingers fiddle with my feet while we’re watching TV. Or maybe you hate when someone smacks their gum, or says “like” every other word, or watches videos on their phone in public places (enough!).
There is psychology and biology behind these triggers and reactions. But the underlying theme is rooted in anger and irritation.
Some evidence suggests those emotions have been trending up. Though anger around the world declined slightly last year — dropping from 23% in 2022 to 22% in 2023, according to the Gallup Global Emotions report — it remains higher than it was a decade ago. Social media can stoke anger and irritation, particularly during a heated presidential election campaign. In addition, a 2024 survey showed that 75% of Americans feel extremely or very angry, often related to politics and issues in the news. And while there’s a big difference between being angry about things that matter (world issues, relationship problems) and things that really don’t (toilet paper, social media posts), your brain can navigate these emotions in a heathy or unhealthy way.
At the base level, these emotions aren’t necessarily a problem, said Mark Zachary Rosenthal, PhD, director of the Duke Center for Misophonia and Emotion Regulation. Misophonia is a disorder that happens when you have a lower tolerance to specific sounds (see more below).
On the anger spectrum, rage is at one end, while irritation is at the other.
“A main reason why humans have irritability or annoyance is because there’s some thing or some person that is interfering or blocking them from achieving some kind of goal,” Rosenthal said.
If you feel road rage, someone is keeping you from getting where you want to go. Loud crunchers or phone-watchers or gum-smackers? Maybe they’re preventing you from focusing on what you’re doing.
Another reason for anger, Rosenthal said, is that we sense a threat and our anger allows us to interpret the threat, communicate to others about the threat, and be motivated to take action and evade the threat. While the click-click-clicking of nail-biting doesn’t put us in danger, our irritability is part of a larger context: Anger — all the flavors of it — is normal as a human emotion.
“Everybody gets irritated and angry sometimes,” Rosenthal said, and that’s because, evolutionarily, it includes a survival mechanism.
The Psychology of Pet Peeves
One theory: Pet peeves are like social allergens.
“People who have allergies don’t just wake up with them. Physical allergies start gradually, but over years, they develop a bigger response,” Kowalski said.
Variables and context can make a minor annoyance feel intense and escalate your reaction. Who’s doing the action? What’s your relationship to that person? Where is it happening?
“Certain things may start triggering the anxious response,” Kowalski said. “Once that’s triggered, it’s really hard to dismiss it because it’s processing information in terms of that. Variables interfere with some of that. The sound of potato chips — if you’re taking a test, you can’t just walk away.”
Here are some psychological factors that can make minor annoyances feel disproportionately bothersome, said therapist Ilene Cohen, PhD, author of When It’s Never About You.
High stress levels. As stress increases, our capacity to tolerate disruption diminishes, so we become more susceptible to irritation.
The “accumulation effect” means minor issues can pile up, creating a cumulative burden that feels overwhelming. “This is exacerbated by cognitive biases, such as negative filtering, where our brains tend to focus more on negatives than positives,” Cohen said.
Control issues, which refer to situations where we feel a lack of influence or power, are also significant. Minor irritations often highlight these situations, triggering frustration and anxiety.
Families. “We’re born with a certain level and ability to handle stress, and if our family members or caregivers do not handle it well, we might also have a lower tolerance for it,” Cohen said.
When Pet Peeves Are More Than Just That
About 4.5% of Americans have misophonia, according the latest research. Being angered by sounds can be considered a disorder if it’s so severe that a person is impaired by it — that is, if your everyday life changes because of it, Rosenthal said.
Signs of impairment happen at work, school, or socially, and symptoms can be biological (heart beating faster), behavioral (what you say to the person who is doing the action that triggered you), cognitive (how you make sense of the situation), and emotional (how you feel).
Rosenthal said misophonia is similar to other disorders in which a behavior or reaction itself isn’t a problem, but the extreme end of the spectrum is. Drinking alcohol isn’t always problem, for instance, but the extreme end is substance abuse. Feeling sad isn’t a problem, but the extreme end is clinical depression. Being annoyed at a neighbor mowing their lawn at 6:30 a.m. isn’t a problem, but confronting them with your own weed whacker? That’s an example of how irritation morphs into behaviors and thoughts that have an effect on your life (or others). (A little-known condition called intermittent explosive disorder can cause such angry outbursts.)
“Based on available science, we do not have clear evidence that there is a single, specific pattern that occurs across all people all the time in all situations,” Rosenthal said. Why intense annoyance happens and how to treat it depends on the person and situation.
What to Do
Address annoyances head on. Developing problem-solving skills can help you cope with minor annoyances, Cohen said. That could range from politely asking someone to put earbuds in while they’re watching a video loudly in public, or removing yourself from a situation temporarily if you know the annoyance will build over time. “By breaking down problems into manageable parts and addressing them one at a time, you can alleviate the feeling of being overwhelmed by many small issues,” Cohen said.
Deep breathing and heavy breathing. Mindfulness and deep breathing help manage overall stress, which makes it easier to handle minor annoyances, Cohen said. Other healthy activities can help, such as exercise, hobbies, and creative outlets that release tension.
Be direct. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of being direct, i.e. “Gosh, I know it’s my annoyance, but one of my pet peeves is when you leave a coffee-stain ring on the counter.” It can be a win-win: It might help change behavior while also helping you manage your emotion, thanks to the “catharsis of expression,” Cohen said. “We all have pet peeves and all complain to different degrees — I wish they would stop bothering me, so how can I practically get them to moderate their behavior?” Kowalski said.
Determine if your reaction is excessive. Cohen said that cognitive behavioral therapy can help build resilience, which will help you handle minor annoyances. If you notice that minor annoyances bother you more than they should or that they create some kind of conflict beyond a reasonable reaction, like physical tension or ongoing relationship conflict, that can signal that something bigger is bothering you and may need to be addressed with professional or medical assistance. Check for certificates and licenses of therapists in your area.
Think holistically. Work with clinicians to identify patterns and interventions to change those patterns. While treatment for misophonia must be tailored to the individual, Rosenthal and his team developed a 16-week protocol that involves cognitive behavioral therapy. A multimodal approach is best, he said, perhaps seeing an audiologist, a mental health provider, an occupational therapist, or even a neurologist if you also have migraine, vertigo, or dizziness. “Use that as a way to get treatment plans that you can choose from that are reasonably based in the best available science,” Rosenthal said.
