Aug. 13, 2024 -- Eight years ago, Lori, a 64-year-old retiree living in Maine, was beside herself with grief as her daughter moved away. Afraid of the impending loneliness, she called the one person she knew she could live alongside: her ex.
In her 17 years as a divorcee, Lori – who asked that her last name not be used -- occasionally browsed an online dating site and has been in two long-term relationships. But after the last breakup, “I realized I didn’t mind doing life by myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it,” she said. Soon after, she invited her ex to move back in.
For almost a decade the two have shared costs, a garden out back, and friendship but no romance. The arrangement may seem unusual, but Lori says it staves off loneliness and still affords her the independence she’s come to love. Not to mention it's easier on a fixed income. She’s still open to dating if it happens, but looking for love is no longer a priority. And she’s not alone.
According to Pew Research, 39% of women and 25% of men 65 and older aren’t married, living with a partner, or in a committed relationship. They’re the largest group of older adult singles in history. And most of them aren’t dating or looking. Only 16% of singles 65 and older are looking for dates or a relationship.
The health impacts of loneliness have only recently gotten the attention they deserve. In 2023, the surgeon general declared an epidemic of loneliness and isolation, citing serious health consequences like increased risk of dementia, heart disease, and certain cancers.
One meta-analysis even found loneliness was linked to a 14% increase in the risk of early death. Social isolation increased the risk to 26%. Older single adults are particularly vulnerable to isolation and loneliness, especially as they age and lose mobility. Harris said there could be long-term negative outcomes from not re-partnering.
Spouses have traditionally been the primary companions and caregivers of older age, but current older adults say they aren’t looking to date or remarry. Older adults are at a stage when many can afford to design the life they want — and romantic partnership doesn’t meet the needs of every person, experts told WebMD. Dating options, shifting priorities, finances, and family all factor into their decision. But if they continue to age solo, who will see them through an epidemic of loneliness and help them age in place?
A Numbers Problem
In the 60-plus dating pool, the most straightforward deterrent to dating is the gender ratio: Women have a numerical disadvantage. Because women tend to outlive men, single females aged 60 to 64 outnumber men 1.3 to 1, based on 2022 US Census data. By 75, the ratio is skewed more dramatically: 2.8 women for every man.
“For every single man there's 21 women lined up to date him,” said Rene Roy, a 61-year-old from southern Kentucky, about her church. Though she’s never been married, Roy remains open to dating and marriage. However, meeting new men in a small town is a challenge — and it’s only compounded by the comparatively outsized number of single women, she said.
Some women may express less interest in dating or re-partnering simply because they experience a lack of good options, said Lauren Harris, PhD, assistant professor at the University of New Hampshire, who studies romantic relationships and aging.
Newfound freedom
Most single seniors, however, appear to be content with their relationship status. Older adults, in general, tend to have more self-confidence and are more at ease being single. And in the Pew report, the most common reason respondents gave for not dating was enjoying being single and other priorities.
It’s not uncommon for either gender to decide they’re “not interested in negotiating and collaborating” with a partner any longer, said Pebble Kranz, MD, a sexual medicine specialist and medical director of the Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness in upstate New York. Older adults may prefer any number of relationships or pursuits; grandchildren, hobbies, and friends can all take priority over romance.
This is especially true for women. By the time they are single and in their 60s, “many women are done,” said Sharon Sassler, PhD, a sociologist and family demographer at Cornell University in Ithaca, NY. Having spent much of their life caregiving, either for children, parents, or a past spouse, many women aren’t looking to partner again.
Harris said that her female survey respondents often say things like, “I finally can do whatever I want and I want to keep that” or “I had a marriage. My husband was great. I just don’t want that again.”
And they do well relationally without a partner. Women are considered kinkeepers, adept at networking and maintaining social bonds, Harris said. They often don’t feel the need for a partner because they already lead rich social lives filling their time with family, volunteer work, church, pickleball leagues, tennis clubs, and book clubs, she said.
In contrast, single older men are more interested in significant commitment from a partner. Men tend to be more emotionally dependent on their partner, and one study found that widowers with low or average social support remarry sooner. Romantic relationships may be more essential for them to stave off loneliness.
Leading up to a recent knee replacement, Roy, in Kentucky, worried over her recovery: Who would help her? Who would she talk to in the weeks home alone? But over the course of her recovery, her friends from church and volunteering stocked her fridge, drove her to appointments, and made regular visits. “God provided me a little family of my friends,” she said.
Keeping It Casual
Whatever their relational needs, seniors often find unique ways — that don’t always fit into neat categories of single, looking, or partnered — to meet people.
Take Lori’s living situation with her ex-husband. Or Tom in Aiken, SC. In 14 years of singleness, he’s been in three dating relationships that lasted multiple years. All were on-again-off-again and not quite exclusive, but they were good companions and travel partners at the time, he said.
While Tom – who also asked that his last name not be used -- said he’s not against remarriage, it has some financial downsides — legally entangling his business and his children’s inheritance. “Financially ... it makes more sense for me to stay single,” he said.
Many seniors agree, avoiding marriage and cohabitation because they don’t want to move, entangle finances, deplete their children’s inheritance, or be responsible for caregiving.
At this stage of life, there’s far less emphasis on looking for someone to complete you or to build your life with, Harris said. Dating for older adults is more casual — less about marriage and cohabitation and more about “parallel companionship,” she said.
“They want the love, companionship, and sexual relationship without the hassle of entering a legal union,” said Deborah Carr, PhD, a sociologist who studies later life at Boston University.
Meeting New People Online and Off
While many older people have reasons for not dating, many are also still open to love. But finding it may take some strategy.
“Whether [you are] 25 or 65, there might be a gap in what you want in your romantic life and what you have,” Carr said. Older adults, of any gender, may want to date but not be a part of activities or comfortable with the technology that allow them to meet new people.
Social circles can reinforce the seeming lack of options because they can be so gendered. Women tend to be very social, but common activities like volunteer work, church, and book clubs are largely female. Men may spend more time with family, golf buddies, or neighbors.
In either case, meeting potential dates often requires some strategy and willingness to deviate from your social circle, Sassler said. She studies how couples meet and said women, for instance, will have more luck meeting single men doing active activities like bird watching or volunteering for the Sierra Club. “You have to stay active and think hard about where the sex ratio is more balanced,” she said.
For those who feel they lack in-person options, online dating continues to grow. The number of single seniors who have used online dating increased from 3% in 2016 to 13% in 2019, according to the Pew Research Center.
Older adults can also be targeted on these apps. A Pew survey reported that almost half of online daters over 50 believed they had encountered someone trying to scam them. While that’s not a reason to avoid online dating, Carr recommends looping in a child or similar support if you do decide to try the online route.
They don’t need to vet every person you swipe right on, she said. But before you meet or share personal information, share the profile and conversation with a second set of eyes and ears.
“One of the beauties of old age is you get to do whatever the heck you want. You have earned it,” Kranz said. “You have earned being single. You have earned an exploring partnership. And people should embrace whatever they want to do with this very important part of life.”
