What Is Resentment?
Resentment describes a negative emotional reaction to being mistreated. There is no single cause of resentment, but most cases involve an underlying sense of being mistreated or wronged by another person.
Experiencing frustration and disappointment is a normal part of life. When the feelings become too overwhelming, they can lead to resentment. When this happens, trust and love in relationships are broken and sometimes never repaired.
A person experiencing resentment will often feel a complex variety of emotions that include anger, disappointment, bitterness, and hard feelings.
Resentment is commonly triggered by:
- Being taken advantage of by another
- Feeling put down
- Unrealistic expectations of others
- Not feeling heard
- Power imbalances
- Systemic or historic injustices, such as racism or discrimination
Stages of Resentment
While there are no official stages of resentment in psychology, feelings can naturally progress from mild to severe. What starts as a perceived injustice builds up inside until it turns into anger, hatred, and even a need for revenge.
In the beginning, resentment is mainly about hurt, says Krista Jordan, PhD, a board-certified clinical psychologist practicing in Austin, Texas. Somebody has hurt you, failed to meet an expectation you had of them, or violated your trust. "These are all vulnerable feelings. And generally, humans won't stay in a vulnerable position for too long."
You start to build a defense against the hurt. Hurt turns into anger because being angry makes you feel more empowered and in control. Unless you address them, negative feelings will build and become harder to change.
Common Signs of Resentment
Resentment can lead to difficulty letting go or forgiving, at least temporarily. Several signs, however, can indicate that you or someone you know might be on the path toward experiencing overwhelming resentment.
Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:
Recurring negative feelings
It’s common to feel recurring negative feelings toward people or situations that hurt you. These emotions may include:
- Anger
- Frustration
- Hostility
- Bitterness
- Hard feelings
- Uneasiness
When these feelings become unbearable, they can lead to resentment.
Inability to stop thinking about the event
Sometimes, resentment leads to an inability to stop thinking about the event that caused the intense emotion. Recurring negative thoughts may take over and linger for long periods — sometimes even years.
Feelings of regret or remorse
For some people, resentment may cause feelings of disappointment or remorse. When a person thinks about a past stressful event, they may respond with regret and remorse, leading to self-blame and wishing they had acted differently.
Fear or avoidance
When you feel resentful, certain people or situations may trigger unwanted memories of wrongdoing. This may cause you to avoid situations or people who bring up these negative emotions. People will often do this to protect themselves and their well-being.
A tense relationship
Resentment can bring about changes in your relationship. Some people deal with resentment by holding grudges and acting out passive-aggressively, while others may choose to end relationships where the wrongdoing took place.
Feeling invisible or inadequate
Engaging with people or places that remind you of past mistreatment may make you feel invisible or inadequate. When this happens, old feelings of anger and bitterness may begin to reappear and grow stronger.
If you’ve been hurt by someone and start to notice any of these things, it could be a sign that you’re beginning to experience resentment.
Inability to let go of anger
In some instances, resentment may make it hard for you to let go of anger. You might even experience a strong desire for revenge. Holding on to such a high level of negativity takes a toll on your mental health.
Recognizing the signs, taking preventive action, and getting treatment can help.
Resentment in Relationships
Feelings of resentment in a relationship can show up in many ways, including tension, anger, or hurtful words. Resenting your partner could make you distance yourself from them. When you get home from work, you retreat into your room instead of being with them. Or you might stay up late to watch TV rather than go to bed with them.
Intimacy also suffers, according to Jordan.
Resentment in marriage
Married couples may express resentment by withdrawing, criticizing each other, or being openly hostile to one another. If one partner is acting resentful and the feeling isn't addressed, it could rub off on the other partner, who also then becomes resentful.
Resentment can also appear as selfish behavior. It might be something small, like going out to dinner with friends when you know your partner is planning to cook dinner. Or it could be more extreme, like having an affair.
What Are the Signs of Resentment in a Family?
Just like in a successful relationship, family harmony sometimes means putting other people's needs before your own. When you feel resentment against your parents, siblings, or extended family members, it can break down those family bonds and harm relationships.
Family members resent each other for all kinds of reasons. Parents may resent their children for making their lives harder and stopping them from doing things they want to do. A child could resent their sibling for breaking the family rules and getting away with it. One relative might resent another for being more successful.
Whatever the reason for these feelings, they will eventually start to break down the cooperation needed for families to function, Jordan says. Resentment will drive family members to start looking out for themselves, at the expense of their relationships. The resentful member may stop going to family gatherings or act withdrawn when they do go. In time, they may pull away from other relatives entirely.
How to Identify Signs of Resentment in Friendship
Healthy friendships require openness and honesty. If one person is hurt or angry, they tell the other person how they feel. Friends talk through negative feelings and move past them.
When resentment creeps in, that openness ends. The resentful person suppresses their feelings and shuts down. Anger, bitterness, and hostility grow inside them until communication breaks down.
The resentful person can become distant, ignoring texts and phone calls and no longer making plans to get together. They may talk about the other person behind their back with mutual friends. Resentment can get severe enough to end what was once a solid friendship.
What Are the Signs of Resentment at Work?
Almost 1 in 3 Americans view their jobs as stressful, 1 in 5 say their work is overwhelming, and only half find their career enjoyable. Feeling burned out and underappreciated has led to a trend called "resenteeism." Employees stay in jobs that make them unhappy, simply because they have no other options. Feeling trapped in their current position makes workers resentful.
Signs of resentment at work can range from sighs and eye rolls to not responding to emails to an overall lack of motivation and effort. The idea of checking out emotionally at work is sometimes called "quiet quitting."
It can also be contagious, says Jordan. Once coworkers start airing their resentment to each other, it can snowball. For example, if someone who has been putting in long hours and making sacrifices for the company senses resentment from a co-worker, they may start to question whether their job is worth the effort.
What Are Some of the Sneaky Signs of Resentment?
Sometimes resentment isn't obvious. Jordan says even subtle changes like these could be warning signs:
A breakdown in communication. You used to get several texts a day from this person, and now you get only one or none.
Negative behaviors. The person rolls their eyes, sighs, or constantly criticizes you.
Withdrawal. Someone who was always an active participant in work meetings now rarely speaks.
Avoidance. The person is always too busy or has other excuses for not spending time with you.
How Does Resentment Affect Well-being?
Resentment is a sign that you haven't effectively dealt with negative emotions such as sadness or anger. Over time, not processing your emotions can put you at risk for several other mental health issues, including:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Posttraumatic stress disorder
It can also lead to physical problems such as:
- High blood pressure
- Muscle tension
- Headaches
- Weakened immune system
- Digestive disorders
- Sleep problems
How to Let Go of Resentment
If you feel that your resentment is becoming too much, talk to your doctor. They may refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist.
The right solution for resentment depends mainly on its cause and the individual. The path to healing involves forgiveness and finding a way to make peace with what happened so you can move on with life.
Consider why it’s difficult to forgive
When you consider moving on from resentment, what feelings come up? When you first try to let go of resentment, it’s normal to have a lot of emotions come up such as resistance, fear, and anger, especially when resentment has been held for a long time.
It can be helpful to take time to process these feelings.
Use self-compassion
Some people use resentment as a coping mechanism to help them deal with painful or difficult emotions. While this may feel soothing at first, it can be damaging in the long run.
Extending compassion to yourself helps you heal so you can process your pain with mindfulness and kindness.
Try empathy
Exploring why the situation or person caused resentment allows you to uncover potential misunderstandings. By trying to see things from another perspective, you may be able to reduce resentment.
Lean into gratitude
It’s normal to get caught up in all the negative things happening around you. You can bring more happiness and positivity into your life by focusing on the things that are going right. It can help to think about things and people you are grateful for.
Takeaways
Resentment is a buildup of negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and disappointment. It often comes from feeling like you've been wronged. Signs include behavior such as withdrawing and acting out. If not addressed, it can damage your relationships and lead to mental and physical health issues.
