What Does Polyamory Mean?
Polyamory is a type of consensual nonmonogamy where people have more than one partner at a time. Unlike cheating, polyamory is based on open communication, trust, and mutual agreement among partners. Polyamory is not tied to any specific gender, and each relationship can look different depending on the people involved. The core idea is that love or connection isn't limited to just one person.
A brief history of polyamory
The term "polyamorous" comes from the Greek word "poly," meaning "many," and the Latin word "amor," meaning "love." It was coined in the 1970s, but the idea of polyamory has roots in many cultures throughout history. In the U.S., communes have practiced group relationships since the 19th century, which continued during the "free love" movement of the 1960s and 1970s. However, during the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s, the idea of having multiple partners was often viewed as risky or irresponsible, which led to more stigma around polyamory and other forms of nonmonogamy. In recent years, polyamory has seen a resurgence, largely thanks to the internet, which has made it easier for like-minded people to connect and learn about the lifestyle.
Polyamory flag
The first polyamory pride flag was created in 1995. It has three-colored horizontal stripes: Blue for openness and honesty between partners, red for love and passion, and black to show solidarity for those who need to hide their relationships. In the center is the Greek letter "π" (pi), believed to symbolize infinite love. In recent years, some have tried to redesign the flag with different colors and symbols, but the original is still the most recognizable.
Types of Polyamorous Relationships
Polyamorous relationships can take different forms, depending on the needs and preferences of the people involved. While every relationship is unique, there are some common structures that they tend to follow:
Hierarchical
In a hierarchical polyamorous relationship, partners are prioritized, with one primary partner being seen as more central or important. Other relationships are considered secondary. It's common for people in these relationships to set rules or boundaries that may limit other connections, just to make sure that everyone feels comfortable and secure.
Nonhierarchical
In a nonhierarchical relationship, each relationship is considered equally important, with no one partner being seen as primary or secondary. Decisions and time are often shared more equally among all partners.
Polyfidelity
Similar to monogamy, polyfidelity involves a closed group of people who are all committed to each other, with no romantic or sexual relationships outside of the group. These groups can vary in size and may include triads (three people), quads (four people), or even larger groups.
Vee
In a vee relationship, one person (often called the "hinge") has two romantic or sexual partners who are not involved with each other. The hinge is the connecting point between the two partners, which forms the "V" shape.
Solo-poly
People who practice solo-poly prioritize their independence. Rather than being part of a couple, they may have several intimate relationships, but their main focus is maintaining their personal freedom. They often choose to live separately from their partners and typically don't seek out marriage.
Mono-poly
In a mono-poly relationship, one partner is polyamorous and has multiple relationships, while the other partner is monogamous and only has a relationship with the polyamorous partner.
Polyamorous vs. polygamous
Polyamory and polygamy are often confused but are quite different. Polyamory involves having multiple romantic or intimate relationships with the consent of everyone involved. By comparison, those who practice polygamy have multiple marriages, usually in a religious or cultural context. While polygamy can involve people of any gender, it's more common for one man to be married to multiple women, who usually aren't allowed to have other marriages themselves.
Polyamorous vs. monogamous
The key difference between polyamorous and monogamous relationships is the number of partners. In monogamy, a person has a romantic and sexual relationship with only one partner at a time. In contrast, polyamorous relationships involve multiple romantic or intimate partners, with everyone's knowledge and consent.
Polyamorous vs. open relationship
Open relationships usually focus less on emotional involvement with outside partners, unlike polyamory. In polyamory, people form emotional or romantic connections with multiple partners. An open relationship, on the other hand, typically means that partners are romantically exclusive but are open to having sexual relationships with other people.
Polysexual vs. polyamorous
Polysexual refers to a sexual orientation, not a relationship style. While polysexuality is about being attracted to multiple genders (though not necessarily all genders), polyamory is about how people structure their relationships.
How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work?
Polyamorous relationships can take different forms, but they all rely on trust, consent, and honest communication. All partners know about each other and agree to the arrangement. Just like in any relationship, partners can set boundaries to make sure everyone feels comfortable.
Polyamorous relationship rules
Each polyamorous relationship will likely have different rules, but here are some common ones that can help keep everyone involved feeling safe and respected:
- Mutual consent: Make sure that all partners are aware of, and agree to, the polyamorous arrangement.
- Establish terms and expectations: Outlining your expectations of a relationship can help keep everyone on the same page. This might include how much time you spend with each partner, any emotional or physical limitations, or whether specific activities are reserved for certain relationships.
- Practice safe sex: If your relationship involves multiple sexual partners, make sure to agree on safe sex practices, including using protection and regular testing for sexually transmitted infections.
- Respect each other's privacy: Respect each partner's privacy by not sharing personal details or issues from one relationship with another partner, unless everyone agrees.
Benefits of Polyamory
Having stable, loving connections with more than one person can provide diverse emotional support and companionship. It can also help people discover different parts of their sexuality or identity.
One 2019 study found that women in consensually nonmonogamous relationships tend to be less jealous than their monogamous counterparts. Other research suggests that those in polyamorous relationships often feel more secure with their partners. People in nonmonogamous relationships have also reported greater honesty between partners, better communication, and higher overall relationship satisfaction.
Polyamory Challenges and Considerations
No relationship style is perfect. Managing time and emotional needs across multiple partners can be challenging and requires both organization and empathy. People in polyamorous relationships are also not immune to jealousy, which can arise unexpectedly.
For those with multiple sexual partners, there's also a higher risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection or having an unplanned pregnancy. To better protect yourself, it's important to have open conversations with your partners about safe sex and always use protection.
While polyamory has become more visible and accepted in recent years, it's still not the norm, so people in polyamorous relationships may face judgment or stigma in their personal or professional life. This can take an emotional toll.
Tips for Healthy Polyamorous Relationships
All relationships take effort to work. These tips can help you build healthy and meaningful polyamorous connections.
Honest communication. Be open and honest with all partners about how you're feeling, your desires, and any concerns. Regular check-ins can help keep everyone on the same page.
Prioritize your emotional needs. Everyone has different emotional needs when it comes to relationships, both in terms of what they can give and what they want to receive. Make a point to regularly discuss your desires and boundaries to ensure balance and mutual understanding in each relationship.
Find ways to manage your time. Have conversations with your partners about what quality time looks like together, then agree on how to divide your time. Some polyamorous people set aside specific days for each partner, others use shared calendars.
Handle jealousy openly. Jealousy can arise, even in polyamorous relationships. It's important to talk openly about it and find ways to address the underlying feelings with your partner.
Polyamorous Celebrities
Several celebrities have openly discussed their experiences with polyamory or nonmonogamous relationships, including RuPaul, Bella Thorne, Willow Smith, Shailene Woodley, and Margaret Cho.
Takeaways
Polyamory allows people to have loving, stable relationships with more than one partner, built on trust and mutual respect. While it can have emotional benefits and opportunities for personal growth, it also comes with challenges like time management and dealing with jealousy or potential social stigma. If you're interested in exploring polyamory, honest communication, setting clear boundaries, and practicing safe sex can help you maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Polyamorous FAQs
Can a polyamorous person date a monogamous person?
Yes, a polyamorous person can date a monogamous person, but it requires clear communication and agreements to ensure both partners' needs are met.
Do poly couples get jealous?
People in any type of relationship, including polyamorous ones, can experience jealousy. It's important to address these feelings openly through honest communication to ensure that everyone feels safe and secure.
Is being in a poly relationship cheating?
No, being in a polyamorous relationship is not cheating if all partners know about and consent to the arrangement. Cheating involves dishonesty, while polyamory is based on trust and openness between everyone involved.
